Unnecessary Guilt

Guilt is something that plagues everyone at some point in their lives. What matters is how you allow it to affect you.



Growing up in a Catholic family, I was subject to guilt. You are taught to be nice to people and that you should always treat others with kindness. Good in theory but when you constantly are putting others first you start to feel guilty about things. I'm not talking feeling guilty for blowing someone off or actually being mean to someone. I'm talking about this gut crushing guilt that comes from the fact that something you do makes someone else unhappy. The thing you do doesn't have to be done on purpose. It can be as simple as not wanting to go out to the bar with your friends when they ask you last minute so you tell them "Nah, I'm just going to stay in tonight."

Nothing wrong with that. You're not blowing off anyone and in reality, you're most likely doing something that you enjoy which is supposed to be healthy. But no. You burdened with Catholic guilt or unnecessary guilt. You're friend obviously wants to spend time with you so you should because otherwise, you're not being nice to them.

It is at times like these that the guilt weighs down on your chest like a bag of rocks. It knots itself up in your stomach over and over again until it feels like you'll never be able to digest anything again. What is worse is that this type of guilt usually gives way to anxiety.

How do we get rid of this unnecessary guilt? How do we get rid of this crushing guilt that has no business being there? The guilt that exists when you have done nothing wrong?


I wish I had an easy answer. I wish I could tell you that you just had to use willpower and it would all be fixed. Sadly, it takes a complete change in thinking which, by the time you hit adulthood, is one of the hardest things to do.

The professionals say "Think about how this guilt doesn't actually serve you."

Well, the problem with that is that I'm a chronic guilt feeler so saying that this guilt won't help me actually makes me feel guilty because I know that the guilt was put there to make people feel better. If I'm feeling guilty, I'm not making people feel better so I need to change something.

Every person who suffers from guilt will tell you the same thing.

The thing is, everyone who suffers like this, has forgotten how to put themselves first so we find it very difficult to let the feeling of guilt go.

Take the bar scenario.

You want to stay in because you are just feeling like having some "me" time. Maybe it was a long day at work. Maybe you aren't feeling that well. Maybe you have gotten so angry at people that if you see one more person, you'll snap. Whatever the reason, you say no.

A normal person, may feel a little envy/guilty if they find out that their friends had a blast without them. But, they know that staying in was the right choice for their own health.

A person that suffers from chronic guilt knows that staying in is the right for their health but they go out anyway. Why? Well, because if they don't, they'll sit at home and begin to feel guilty for not making their friend happy. Who cares what they needed themselves, they were raised to make other people happy. By saying "no" they are not making the person who asked them happy.

You've done nothing wrong. You're an adult. You have the right to make your own decisions. But, you feel obligated because this person is your friend.

Remembering that you don't have to do everything to make someone happy is a very difficult thing to do. It takes time and practice. At times, you'll feel like you've lost your way. That the guilt just keeps on building up.

I'm here to tell you that although it isn't easy, it is possible to change your thought process. To remind yourself that you can make your own choices and that you should make choices to benefit yourself first. I'm still struggling but I'm getting there.

My message is this:

Don't lose hope. Keep saying to yourself "I need to be happy to make other people happy." Hearing something enough times, will change your thinking. Keep saying it. You'll start to believe it.

I have and if I have, you can too.



~Soon it will be over and buried with our past

"I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance."

I found this image on Everyday Feminism's Facebook page. It is a great quote from Jon Stewart from The Daily Show and it really is a motto I want to implement into my life.

I hear so many people make arguments based upon complete ignorance. They hear one little thing and automatically think it is true.

For example, people like to talk about how Switzerland has a high percentage of gun owners and a very low crime rate.

(side note: I swear I have opinions on more than just guns. This is what has constantly been on my mind so forgive the multiple posts about it)

This is a true fact. Switzerland has almost 50% gun ownership in their country and they have such low gun related deaths per capita, the statistics barely exist.

Pro-gun people use this to prove their point that if everyone owned a gun, our country would be a safer place to live.

I would like to point out some points they tend to overlook rather by choice to make their arguments fit their case or because they are ignorant. (all facts are found here)

1. Switzerland requires every male to serve in their military. So every single man that is a Swiss gets training on how to properly use a gun. Not only how to use it but the dangers behind it and they understand that it is their military weapon.

America has no such law. Gun owners do not need to be trained at all.

2. They actually have a well regulated militia that our second amendment talks about. They do not have a standing army like we do, so their citizens actually need the military grade weapons for national defense. Also, only 2,000 members of said militia are allowed to have their military grade weapon at home. These are the people who guard the airports and the like.

America has a standing army so a civilian militia is almost pointless. And don't think for a second that you could defend yourself against the most powerful army in the world with your guns. Thinking that is complete ignorance.

3. They have background checks. They have limits on what type of guns can be purchased. They monitor how much ammunition you buy and what type. Certain ammunition is off limits to the average citizen. You need a permit to purchase guns.

America has no such laws. Seriously. The laws you hear about are state issued laws, not federal laws.

4. A gun vendor at a gun show, or a private sale, has to notify the government of the sale. There is no loop-hole. To purchase a gun at these shows, you still need a permit.

America has no such laws. Again, some states do, but the federal government does not.

5. They limit the amount of guns you can purchase at a time. You can only purchase three with one permit.

America has no such law. Actually, in Virginia, they just recently repealed the "one-hand gun a month" law because.....well, frankly I don't know why. I guess people want more than 12 hand guns a year? And we want to go back to being the state known as the "gun-running state"? Yeah, that is a title I just love having.

Yes, Switzerland has a lower gun related death rate then we do with almost as high of a percentage of gun owners as we do. But, they actually have common sense laws to help with that. We don't. That is why Switzerland has such a low rate of gun violence. Not because everyone has a freakin gun.

You want a place like Switzerland? Enact the same laws that you so hate so much because they only do a little bit to help so they are apparently "useless."

Any law that saves one life from a gun related death is a good law.

So no, I will not just be silent about these facts because it hurts your argument. Get a better argument then because I'm not going to shut up just because it breaks down your little ignorance filled world.



~You can't reverse the bullet from a gun, what's done is done.

Screw the Status Quo

We had a shooter in the building drill today at school. I was lucky in the sense that I did not have to deal with students during it because I wasn't teaching that period.

We live in a world where I, as a high school teacher, have to be worried about someone coming in and trying to kill my students and myself. I will do everything in my power to protect my students and those around me. My students are my number one priority and they will always come first. That isn't what bothers me.

What bothers me is this: That as a society, we preform these drills willingly because this is the type of world we live in, but no one seems to want to change that world. They are complacent with the possibility that someone could come in and shoot up a school.

Every time I have expressed outrage over this, the response is always the same. "Well, it is the sad reality that this is the world we live in. So we have to do it."

I don't want to live in this world.

I don't want to live in a world where I have to have the fear of getting shot. That it is even a possibility for this much violence in my school. In my student's safe haven. In the one place where no matter what is going on in their lives, they should feel safe.

When I retort with that, people will do one of three things:

1) Sigh and shake their head because apparently I am being naive

2) Say the same thing again as if to convince themselves there is nothing they can do so I should go along with the status quo

3) Say to me "I agree with you but what can you actually do to change it?"

There is plenty to do to change this atmosphere. But it has to be a society wide effort.

Make teenagers realize that violence is not the solution to problems. This is easy to say but, when every single hero they look up to uses violence to solve their problems, what do they expect?

Our super heroes used to be "let's try peace first." Now it is, "We have an aircraft carrier that can fly so we're going to blow your ass up."

In movies, talking or negotiating never works. Only when the hero tortures or shoots their enemy is there any "success."

I'm not sitting here blaming violent video games. I'm blaming society for allowing children to view these violent people as acceptable role models.

I'm blaming society for pushing the image that in order for a woman to be sexy and strong, she needs to be able to physically kick ass and shoot a gun. That in order for a man to be desired by woman, and not be the "goofy guy" he needs a gun (or needs to sleep with a lot of woman but that is a completely different story).

Besides super heroes, who don't need guns because they have different powers, I challenge you to find someone, in popular culture, that is looked up to as a role model that doesn't use guns. If it is an actor, an actor that has never needed to shoot a gun on screen.

You may say that popular culture doesn't impact society's values. But it does. Why else would this stuff be popular if not for the fact that society views it highly.

Almost every single American drama involves the military or police force. Which means that it involves guns to make the characters popular. The exceptions are the medical dramas which somehow always involve a shooter in the hospital at some point or some other massive act of violence. Without these mass violence parts, America would most likely stop watching.

Drama = guns in America

Have you watched a British drama? The top five drama's don't involve guns, in their main characters' personas, AT ALL.

Have you seen their gun related crime rate?

Very low.

Again, not blaming popular culture, I'm blaming what popular culture represents. It represents our values. Our ideals. What is important to us.

It represents the status quo.

How do you change this? Well, it takes a huge effort. The first is to make society stop being obsessed with guns. I have always been weary of guns. I will always support common sense measures like banning automatic rifles, background checks, and mandatory gun training for gun owners. Just like we make mandatory training for people who want to drive a car.

We make cigarette companies do PSA commercials on the dangers of smoking. Why can't we force gun manufacturers to do the same thing? I'm aware that it is a person using a gun to harm someone else, but, chances are, they have no idea the real harm that it can do. Hollywood doesn't do a real bullet wound justice.

Fight for those changes. Speak up. Vote on these issues. Write to your Representative expressing your feelings. Hell, run for office.

Do something. Even just speaking your mind is doing something. Don't let your voice be drowned out by the status quo. By people to afraid to make change.

Don't be afraid. Those great leaders, the ones that went down in history as great leaders, were afraid. They just overcame that fear and spoke up.

They challenged the status quo.





As George Carlton famously said, "The status quo sucks."

I couldn't agree more George.






I couldn't agree more.



~We're all in tears for a world that's broken

Gun Violence and My Personal Realm

Last Friday there was a horrible tragedy. A man killed 20 children in an elementary school, most of them 1st graders, using an assault rifle. The scarier part is that there does not appear to be a motive behind his actions.

Although there have been plenty of mass shootings since Columbine in 1999, this is the one that seems to have everyone talking about gun control (finally) because gun violence has finally reached the area that most people did not think it could; an elementary school.

Like most things, I have strong views on guns and gun control in general. Most of these views started out due to what happened around me. They were later confirmed with facts. Below is why I hate guns and feel a need for change.

I have hated guns since Columbine. I was in 6th grade when Columbine happened. I remember I went to a friend's house where it was on the news. We asked her mom what happened and she informed us that some students had brought guns into school and shot their classmates.

At the time, I didn't know that they were carrying assault rifles or that they had been bullied. All I knew was that they has brought guns into school. The thing that popped into my head was a handgun. I thought that they did all that damage with a handgun (or two). I was 11 years old. I didn't know the difference. But it didn't matter. Guns had caused all that damage so therefore guns must be bad.

This was a new discovery for me. Guns had never been a big deal in my house. My parents didn't own any nor did anyone in my family. No one was vocal about them either. It was something that existed in the world that we didn't have to deal with. I played cops and robbers with my friends growing up (I was a huge tom boy). I used water guns and nerf guns to play war. I played GoldenEye on the N64. I was never afraid of them until Columbine.

I'm not about to start saying that we shouldn't allow children to do what I did growing up. I still play GoldenEye. I have played (with total failure at the ability to do anything but be a easy kill for the other team) Call of Duty. I view those as entertainment. But I'm still afraid of the real thing.

Going through high school, I never really changed my opinion nor did I become more vocal about it. Again, it was something that existed outside of my realm of existence. None of my friends owned them nor did anyone hunt or anything like that (we live in Northern VA, not much hunting can be done here). Shootings that happened while I was in high school were again not in my realm. I still believed guns were an issue, but that only happens once every blue moon or only in neighborhoods that are notorious for violence.

It all changed with college.

I went to a college that was safe. There had been zero acts of major violence on my campus since the university was founded. I had no problem being out on my campus in the middle of the night despite the fact that it rested in the middle of a city. I felt safe there. To this day I feel safe there. However, there was a time I didn't feel safe on my campus and it was all because of a gun.

During the first few weeks of college, I had gone to a few events at the student union. I was  freshmen who didn't really party so I went to the school sponsored parties (I know. I was *so* cool). I never had to walk through a metal detector or get frisked. Sure, our police (who were real police not rent-a-cops) were there but they were there to make sure no one was drunk.

One Friday night an event took place at the union. During the event, our basketball players got into a confrontation with a non student over the fact that he wouldn't leave this girl alone. After the event, the non student started to yell at our basketball players. When the players kept walking, ignoring him, the guy open fire. Five of our players were shot. Most were shot because they were running to save their friend.

The shooter got away that night. Our campus went into lock down. From the hall window on my floor, I saw bodies lying on the ground. Bleeding. The police were on the scene within a minute of the gunfire. None of the players died and the shooter was caught within a few days.

The next event I went to at the union was a Halloween dance. It was about two weeks after the shooting. I had started to feel safe again on campus because it wasn't a student who committed the crimes. It changed when I wen to the dance. I was frisked and had to walk through a metal detector. I felt so unsafe. I felt like no one could be trusted anymore.

Shortly after our school implemented new swipe systems where we had to swipe our ID just to get into the lobby of our building. This was a mixture of the fact that a homeless man had made his way into one of our dorm rooms and started to live in an abandon room and the shooting. I yet again didn't feel safe. Why did we need all these security measures if our school was a safe school?

The rest of that semester, I felt uneasy. I began to feel comfortable again on campus when I went to another event in the union and there were no metal detectors. Many students complained about them. They made people feel unsafe and wouldn't have stopped the guy who did the shooting anyway. They were a useless measure that had the reverse effect.

Then the shooting at Virginia Tech happened and guns yet again entered into my realm.

Going to school in Northern Virginia, many people apply to and go to Tech. The shooter went to a high school that is located in the same county as mine. I had many friends that went to Tech. So when the shooting happened, I freaked out. Some of my friends were on their way to that building where the shooting took place. The cell service went down so I couldn't reach my friends to see if they were okay (thankfully, they were). Guns yet again caused chaos in my realm.

I know people who hunt. I know people who own guns. I have even held a gun (it was my brother's military issued handgun). Every time I've been around them, I have felt very uneasy. Very nervous. Guns are the reason that people suffered. Without guns, those incidents above wouldn't have happened. The one at my university might have just turned into a fist fight. The Tech shooting might have just been the shooter committing suicide and not taking other people with him. No one would have died.

I hate guns. They have caused nothing but fear in my life. I am all for allowing people to hunt with them. But why else have them? Allowing such easy access to them allows bad people to get their hands on them. If we regulated guns like we regulate cars and medication, less people would abuse them.

I'm aware that this post has no facts in it. I could write a whole other post where I debunk the arguements of the pro-gun side. But I didn't. I chose to explain why I hate guns. Yes, my life has not been directly affected by it, but I have had too many close calls. I want this to stop before the close calls become a real personal tragedy.

Gun violence has already started to creep into my realm. I want to kick it back out.

~ How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?

I Need to Get Back to Writing.....

With teaching, writing for pleasure has fallen to the wayside.

I can't let this happen.

Writing is the one way I feel like I can express myself and fully show the world who I am, what I feel, and what I believe.

I need to make time to write.

I know I have made this type of statement before, but I never really noticed how badly I needed writing. Without it, the only writing medium I have is Facebook which isn't exactly the community that embraces writing beyond "I just got engaged!" or "Today was such a good day!"

I need more than that.

I see so many things in this world that make me angry because they are filled with injustice or harmful to society. I vote, I donate money, and I volunteer. These all get my voice out but not in the way that writing does. Writing gets it to everyone where as those only seem to get my voice to people who agree with me.

I am aware that there is a strong chance that no one will ever read this blog. But I don't care. I need to do this for my sanity. No one else.

I need to write.

I need to have my voice heard.

~Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

Need To Update

I obviously have issues of updating this.

So I'm still in the states. I ended up getting a job at my old high school. I'm teaching 9th and 10th grade English. It is a very interesting and sometimes crazy experience.

I also failed at doing my challenge. I barely have any free time but part of me feels like I should make writing a priority because writing seems to help smooth my freaks out and organize my thoughts. Recently, that could really help.

I just wish life could work out without so many bumps.

~One step at a time, one hope then another

Waiting Room

She sits in the hospital waiting room waiting. Not that there would be much else for her to do. She can't assist with anything nor can she participate in anything. So she is just waiting.

She looks around the waiting room. Actually looks. In her 27 years she had never really looked around a hospital waiting room. It was the most diverse place anyone would ever sit. And everyone was doing what she was doing. Waiting.

There is the helicopter mother in the corner by the toy table. She is watching her son like a hawk. Waiting. Just waiting for the cough, the cough that she was sure her son would die of as the son crashes Thomas the Tank Engine into what is supposed to be California Barbie but is so missed matched that she looks like Thrift Store Barbie. The son squeals with high pitched laugher as Thrift Store Barbie goes flying into the wall. All while the mother sits there. Waiting.

Tucked back in the corner furthest from the admittance doors is the bum that the doctors and nurses pretend isn't there so that he can sleep in a warm spot. Just waiting for the day shift to come when he'll go out to the street and sit with his "Homeless. God bless" sign and wait for some kind soul to come and take pity on him. Maybe one day he'll have enough money to buy his luck back. Until then, he'll keep up this game. Waiting.

She pulls her eyes from the depressing bum and focuses upon the man who obviously has more important things to do sitting in front of her. Despite the ten signs and the dirty looks he is on his cell phone. To inpatient to wait until later to find out what he is missing at work due to his pesky nonstop bleeding hand. Obviously he believes he should be seen next for he keeps shouting, "You know what I've been doing for the past two hours? Waiting!"

Curled up in a ball a few seats down from the man is a frightened teenage girl waiting for someone to notice but hoping that no one will at the same time. She has bruises on her face and scars she has covered up. It is obvious that all she wants to do is escape this life. So she is sitting there to see if someone will give her the light of day so she can finally decide how her life will play out. She is so sick. Sick of all the waiting.

A doctor walks out the admittance door and the 27 year old looks up. Waiting to see if it is for her. Instead he calls over the man who has more important things to do. As he walks in, he exclaims "Finally! I am so sick of waiting!"

She looks down at her lap and sighs. She too is sick of waiting. Yet she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to stop waiting. What if her waiting led her to feel like the teenage girl and feel numb inside? What if it led to her never having the opportunity to be that helicopter parent? What if it led to her getting into a pattern of constantly waiting for someone to take pity on her like the bum? Maybe it was better to keep waiting.

"Mrs. Gallows?" She looks up to see a doctor calling to her from the admittance doors. She takes a deep breath, gets up, and walks over to him. Looking into his eyes, she waits for his next words.

"Mrs. Gallows I need to talk to you about your husband."

My Future

I hate packing and moving but hate the idea of being in the same place for so long. Part of me wants to just say "Screw it. I'll rebuy everything when I get to the new place." Yet I'm not made of money so this is impossible.

I'm beyond excited to teach in Korea for a year but also freaked. Yeah, I was in Ireland for three months and didn't get home sick but three really isn't that long of a time period. With Korea, I'd be gone for a whole year in a whole different culture.

I could easily say no to Korea and hope that I'd get another job somewhere in the states. But since I have zero teaching experience, due to being straight out of college, and governments are cutting funding (don't even get me started), school districts are more inclined to take the more experienced teachers that are being layedoff due to the said budget cuts. The only place that is really hiring teachers is the places around home. I've lived in the same area for 22, nearly 23, years. I need excitement and experiences that involve more then navigating the new road patterns on the beltway (which is both exciting and a new experience every time I'm on it. If you don't believe me, go drive it).

I need to step out of my comfort zone. I'm just going to be nervous every step of the way.


~The sun rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and all the faults you've left behind

“Can we still be friends?”

No!

            How could we?!

You left me for someone else!

                        You cheated on me!

                   Our relationship was disregarded,

like an old piece of cheese.

                                                            And you have the balls

            to ask to stay my friend.

                                                                                                            I should yell!

                                                                                                                                 I should scream!

                                    I should slap you.

Yet I look at you

                                                                                    I think against

                        all odds that

                                                            we

                                                may still have a chance.

So I lie and say

                        …

                                                            …

“Yes.”

"When I Grow Up"

I want to be a doctor;
Save people's lives.

No! I want to be a vet;
Save all the puppies!

Wait! What about a firefighter;
I could be a hero!

Even better! A police officer;
Put all the bad guys in jail!

No, no wait! An astronaut;
Explore the stars!

Hold on! What about a teacher;
Help kids find their true potential!

Stop! I could be a rock star;
Be really cool and share my music with everyone!

I know! I'll be a

Docvetfightercopastroteachstar!